So this woman gets stabbed by her roommate because her roommate wanted to walk around the apartment naked. Whenever I think of shitty roommates all I can recall is the infamous Feminist Unicorn, Fatty Patty. I don’t know if I mentioned this before:

But every now and again when Fatty Patty was feeling especially unbalanced and manic, usually when she got a hash brown or candy bar or diet coke, she would dance around the room.

Let it be noted that we lived in a triple, a TINY triple and there was only about 5×4 feet of unoccupied space. She would get up, in the middle of the room, and twirl. Shaking glasses of water, much like Godzilla, quaking the Earth and causing fault-lines in California to tremble.

She would dance around sporadically, often tripping over things and getting hurt so that we would have to comfort her. Much like Elaine’s dance from Seinfeld, you know the “thumbs and the kicking,” this was how she danced. But the thing that was most disgusting, the thing that was most offensive about her vile and atrocious behavior was that when she did this, she would lift up her t-shirt. She would lift up her t-shirt to reveal her bulging, chubby, marshmallow fat, that oozed out and over her jeans.

“I have a squishy belly!” she would proclaim with glee. Then she would rub it. YES! She would rub it. And she would rub and twirl and rub and twirl. And with each full circle a child in Indonesia would die. A woman in Samolia would be castrated. Yes, she was the cause of Matthew Shepard. Rubbing and twirling, fat writhing like a donut in a blender.

So when I came upon this:

Police in Louisiana said a woman allegedly stabbed her female roommate for requesting she not walk around their apartment in the nude.

The victim, whose name was not released, told Baton Rouge police Tanya McKnight became enraged after she was asked not to walk around naked and stabbed the victim in her face, neck and chest with a knife, the Baton Rouge Advocate reported Wednesday.

I felt no sympathy for the victim. Only ENVY. For she is fortunate now, to have rest in peace. Whereas I, I chose to suffer!

But of course I left Sarah Lawrence College and have moved on to NYU this Fall. Where I will embark on a whole new enraging journey. SLC, fuck you, I prefer real hipsters…mmm tastes like better trustfunds and deliciously evil sense of entitlement.

Farewell, Unicorns! I’m gon’ get me a Pegasus!

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

One Response to “Beware the Unicorns: Woman Stabbed by Roommate”