I remember in my small, NYC Public High School, all the senoritas and thugs stopping during the 3 minutes we had to change classes to kiss each other on the cheek to say hello/good-bye during every single one of these breaks. I remember the hallways being clogged and it was kind of annoying, but then again, who honestly gives a fuck?!

Parents say, “hugging is the latest rage.” Remember 10 years ago when hugging was like so uncool?

“Look at dat gay ass nigga, huggin’. I bet he watches Designing Women.”

“Yeah Johnny, he’s a real hugger, I reckon we’ll have to send him to one of them re-edumacation camps.”

I don’t think anyone in the whole history of ever has taken a lesson from 50 Cent, but if they did I’m sure it wouldn’t be how to properly hug. It would probably be more like how to set your ex-wife’s house on fire and get away with it, all the while being the only rapper who doesn’t rap, but just monotonously says words with a smug expression on his face and simultaneously looks just like King Kong while having lots of money.

This doesn't make me racist. It makes me honest.

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I think it’s amazing how people have to rationalize any kind of behavior. We must have learned this from SOMEWHERE. Paris Hilton says hugging is so hot! This isn’t anything new, maybe perhaps, people have finally learned that touching someone’s hand is fucking disgusting, especially after seeing them touch a million other people’s hands.

One New Jersey Article Says

Still others say that this “grassroots phenomenon” is cheapening the value and distorting the original intention of the hug. One Montvale mother told the Times, “I hug people I’m close to. But now you’re hugging people you don’t even know. Hugging used to mean something.”

Perhaps what we need is a “National Organization for Hugging” to make sure America sticks to the traditional, family-focused definition of hugging, and not some unholy misappropriation guided by activist students and psychologists with an underlying agenda. A compromise: Can’t these non-romantic hugs just be called “civil embraces”?

Remember in the good ole days when you only hugged someone at a funeral or bar mitzvah!? Next thing you know the kids will be having pre-marital sex… with SEAGULL CARCASSES!!!!! And men will marry other men who marry 8×10 print outs of Juan Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter.

People are just willy nilly with their bodies these days…

Nevermind the fact that no one ever asked the question as to why we need to constantly physically acknowledge each other in the first place? Why isn’t “hi” enough? Why is this even an issue so much so that there is  a 2 page New York Times article written about it that cites scientific/psychological/sociological studies on the subject of this filler article phenomena?

But pro-hugging students say it is not a romantic or sexual gesture, simply the “hello” of their generation. “We like to get cozy,” said Katie Dea, an eighth grader at Claire Lilienthal Alternative School in San Francisco. “The high-five is, like, boring.”

My generation needs the constant adrenaline rush of physical contact! That’s why the same newspapers and psycho-sociologist accuse us of spending too much time online, watching Television and playing video games! I can’t wait till the Hug iPhone App comes out so I can get my rocks off all the time! Hi-fives more like Hi-LAMES! I need to feel the epidermal vibrations of my peers!

My point is, not only are the people studying this retarded, the attempt at humoring these absurd questions is as well. No one puts this much thought into hugging. Unless someone completely repulses you, if they lean in to hug you, you’ll probably hug back. Let’s focus our attention on more important behavioral studies like pedophiles and fat people who have fat children.

In the year 2032 when Sylvester Stallone and I are awoken from our cryogenic slumber to kill Wesley Snipe’s bleached blonde hair, in a time when no one acknowledges that Sandra Bullocks last name is Testicles and everyone is gay, when people only communicate via embrace through robotic genitalia, my generation will be the first to Wave their holographic penises at the Man.

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