Drugs ARE natural... they come from Coca leaves, bro

Red Bull’s new cola (because they need to turn their shit chemicals into other shit chemicals) is being banned in Germany. Why you ask? Well, my dear, scientist found traces of cocaine in the drink. SHOCKING NEWS!!!!!!! There’s more bad shit in already bad shit?! WHAAAAAAAATTTTT?

The [Health Institute in the state of North Rhine Westphalia] examined Red Bull Cola in an elaborate chemical process and found traces of cocaine,” Bernhard Kuehnle, head of the food safety department at Germany’s federal ministry for consumer protection, told the German press on Sunday.

According to this analysis, the 0.13 micrograms of cocaine per can of the drink does not pose a serious health threat — you’d have to drink 12,000 L of Red Bull Cola for negative effects to be felt — but it was enough to cause concern.

But NO ONE in the whole history of ever would ever DAAAAARRRRR[e] drink that much…

ON THE CONTRARY YOU SAY?! Well, it’s interesting that YOU would say that seeing as how this is just me writing and not a real conversation in anyway.

Well some bitch named Brooke Robertson would beg to differ.

A 23-year-old Auckland mother who lost 45kg 99 pounds in eight months by drinking nothing but energy drink Red Bull says she has ongoing health problems because of the diet.

Brooke Robertson told the Herald on Sunday she shrank from 105kg 231 pounds  to 60kg 132 pounds drinking nothing but 10 to 14 cans a day, often accompanying them with nothing more than a handful of dry Honey Puffs.

Obviously this isn’t the new cola, but it’s still a Red Bull, it’s still a dumb bitch. And of course people will drink copious amounts of the new drink, BECAUSE it has cocaine in it, because teenagers, nerds and frat guys have nothing better to do and because anyone can create a youtube account.

“I just started drinking it. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating – I was exhausted,” she said.

“I just continued to drink it because it’s an appetite suppressant and I noticed I was losing weight so stuck with it.”

Ms Robertson said she managed to keep her addiction secret from family and friends, and did not recover from it until after a two-week stay in hospital following a minor heart attack.

“I managed to wean myself off it by being in hospital for that long but I had severe withdrawals – sweating, nausea, shaking. It was an addiction. The doctors stated that.”

Anyone and everyone I know who drinks Red Bull is undoubtedly addicted to Red Bull itself or energy drinks in general. The fact that this fat bitch continued to ONLY drink Red Bull proves that she is stupid and probably bulimic. She says that it’s an “appetite suppressant” which, who the fuck ever said that? The caffeine in it was just making her poop like crazy.

Here is what the people at Red Bull have to say about this:

A Red Bull spokesman said there was “scientific evidence that caffeine is not addictive”.

This is a flat out lie, caffeine IS addictive, it IS a drug, it just doesn’t manifest itself in the extremity that other addictions do. By that I mean, no one is going to kill or steal so that they can snort coffee grinds in the bathroom. No one is homeless because they cashed out their 401K and spent it at Starbucks.

It still addictive and you still get withdrawals. Moreover, this fat bitch never said she was addicted to caffeine, she said she was addicted to the drink itself. Shitty, processed foods, like McDonalds or Burger King have been known to have chemicals that mimic, in your brain, the same processes that occur when you use drugs. They release sweet blissful dopamine and initiate your Reward System and I am pretty sure Red Bull does the same.

Do I blame Red Bull for this dumb bitches “get thin quick scheme”? Do I blame them for making a shit product? Yes. And when you knowingly release a shitty, unhealthy product is that bad? Of course, your ethics are questionable.

The drink was available in 148 countries “because health authorities across the world have concluded that Red Bull is safe to consume”, he said.

The drink is banned in Norway, Denmark and Uruguay because of health fears.

On another note Placebo has a new album [which leaked] and it’s kickin’.

Kitty Litter – Placebo

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