Of course this movie was shit. But the real question is, is this movie worth the $12.50 admission? If you’re the kind of person that laughs when you see someone else trip then, yes!  You can watch it here.

Beyonce and her straight-off-the-Amistad-looking husband move into their new  perfect home, with their perfect son and perfect life. I wonder how this is going to turn out?!

"You're so bad, you dirty cunt."

Toby tells Beyonce she is a kinky ho bag because she wants to have sex with him. I thought newly weds were supposed to fuck and I figured since they had a child they must have at least done it once. I guess they stole that baby, but they’re black so who is surprised? I am! Black people usually try to get rid of their kids, G-d knows I was found in a dumpster.

"How are you so white and so poor?"

Toby is a successful businessman, they emphasize this by showing him working amongst Caucasians and reading the newspaper, he meets Ali Larter. Toby is surprised she is a temp and not a client because she is SO WHITE and SO BLONDE. Ali is smitten by his huge, slave-like, black penus so she talks to the office fag to try and get the 411 on Toby.

"Fucking a black guy is like sitting on a fire hydrant, grrrrrrl."

Then poor Jerry O’Conell from the smash hit Joe’s Apartment talks about how hot Ali is and how Toby married the last office whore, he explicitly calls her a whore in front of Toby as does Toby’s boss.

"BANG BANG"

“Toby totes married the last piece of office ass,” Jerry says. Toby says, “Yes Massa, I has cause I dids.”

Toby goes home, and calls Beyonce a hairyfaced-slut-bag for wanting to sleep with him again. I don’t know why he was surprised, she was the old office whore, naturally she would be a house whore too.

Beyonce is determined to prove she can read and talks about how she wants to go to school. Toby wants her to be a housewife, Toby still functions on slave-logic. The house-slaves were always treated better.

"I didn't know they was lettin' white bitches work here!"

Beyonce is pissed that Toby has a female assistant, she knows being the resident skank is how she got in his pants in the first place. Ali behaves like a sneaky sausage and goes through Toby’s shit and listens in on his phone calls. A Christmas party is coming up and God knows the last time my dad went to an x-mas party he thought the x-mas tree was a roller coaster and couldn’t figure out how to take his shoes off.

Shits gonna get craaaazy!

"Permission to jerk off to you guys, hehehe?"

Ali gets Toby drunk by egging him on with phrases like, “Massa gonna spank you if you don’t give this moon swiggle a toss back!” Fearful of being whipped Toby gets crunked.

He heads to the bathroom, Ali follows and starts rubbing her butthole all up on his vienna sausage. Some co-worker keeps peaking in on them not-doing-it. He pushes her off and kicks her out the stall. Toby goes home and tells Beyonce nothing happened that night. BUT SOMETHING DID!

"There is a tuxedo on my pussy!"

The next day Ali is convinced that they are in love and follows Toby into his car after work. She shows him her vagina is also an entrepreneur because it wears a fancy suit. He tells Ali that “White bitches is dub trubz,” and that nothing happened. He yells at her with the power of Martin Luther Vandross. She yells back.

Toby decides to tell Beyonce, the conversation goes something like this.

Toby: “Was good yo? I got something tell you, ho.”
Beyonce: “My sister’s husband is cheating on her.”
Toby: “Ah jeeze.”
Beyonce: “What did you want to holla at me about?”
Toby: “Ummm, no uuugh, yeah, I ummm, wha? Ummm, no, uuuuummmmm, yeah. OK.”

"This story ark is really convenient!"

The next day Toby goes to tell his Massa. The conversation goes something like this.

Toby: “Heya Massa, I is here to tells ya sumfin bout the white ho.”
Massa: “She quit.”
Toby: “Ah jeeze.”
Massa: “What did you want to tell me?”
Toby: “Ummm, no uuugh, yeah, I ummm, wha? Ummm, no, uuuuummmmm, yeah. OK.”

Blah, blah, some montage about how great Christmas is. Blah, blah, etc.

"Look it's me! Many times!"

It’s New Years and Toby gets an e-mail from Ali, he opens it up and a babillion of the same picture just keeps popping up! WHAT?! Ali must be a hacker supreme to do that! Even porn websites don’t have pop-ups this effective. Toby frantically tries to close each picture, pressing X over and over again, Beyonce is coming closer, oh no! X! X! X! White bitch is gone, phew!

He could have just turned off the monitor /shrug.

"MWUHAHAHAHAHA"

Toby emails Ali at work the next day, saying “BITCH BEDDUH DON’T.” Somehow Ali got the email “TEMPGIRL” @ nothing?! Wow she IS GOOD. Ali sends him a smiley face. A smiley face that dances on the screen in stillness for 10 seconds before… it’s coming… it’s coming… WINKIE FACE. This is one CRAZY BITCH, I wasn’t sure until now to be honest…

They go on a work retreat, blah, blah, Ali is there. She says she quit her job so that they could be together. She roofies his drink.

"Weeeeeeeee"

She date rapes him or something retarded. He tells her to fuck off the next day.

"I mis-triangulated."

She tries to kill herself in his hotel room. He takes her to the hospital because he wants to look more guilty. Beyonce calls Jerry O’Conell, Jerry is a shitass friend and rats Toby out, Beyonce goes to the hospital where there is a detective. She won’t let Toby talk to the detective because she has Jealous Black Bitch Syndrome.

"She was NEKID IN YO BED?!"

Beyonce kicks Toby out “her house,” which is peculiar on the count of it being his house since he is the only one who is employed in this relationship. Ali is supposedly away in San Francisco with her sister according to the dykey detective.

Blah, blah, a montage about him being a weekend dad. He tells Beyonce his birthday is coming up because he needs an excuse to get up in them jeans.

God, this movie is fucking long. WTF?!

"They don't pay me enough to give a fuck!"

While Beyonce and Toby are at his b-day dinner, Ali pretends to be Beyonce’s friend. The babysitter lets her in ’cause she is a teenager and who would trust a teen with a baby?

"This act is pointless and only done to be creepy."

Ali holds the baby and shit, I dunno why. Whatevz. She’s Caucasian.

"I looked everywhere for something special!"

Then Beyonce does the most thoughtful thing by giving Toby the key to HIS OWN house. She is such a good wife! She actually says he can only move in if he gives her his BMW. Yay! Women’s Rights!!! He just bought himself a shiny negris!  Ali steals the baby without the sitter even noticing.

They come back and Beyonce is PISSED. The baby is in the car, somehow.

This movie is 2 hours, why?!

Blah, blah, Ali Larter sneaks into their house while they are away. Toby is driving to Flo Rida and Beyonce is leaving later on. Something, something. Blah, blah, blah. Beyonce goes back, finds Ali Larter.

AND NOW FOR GREATEST FIGHT SCENE IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF EVER!

It’s actually a good ten minutes of just violence! This is all my screen caps could get.

She falls from the chandelier onto the coffee table, but DUN DUN DUN! She is still alive.

Not so fast, bitcho!

The chandelier takes it’s revenge. FIN!

10 Thousand Stars.

4 Responses to “Obsessed!!!!! Beyonce Gonna Have To Smack a Bitch?”