This makes perfect sense!

More “shaking my head” news. Summer is here. That means:

• More delicious muffin tops
• More unsanitary ice cream trucks
• More pig fucking
• More angry black people yelling at you for no reason
• And more crazies

Ninja Rap – Vanilla Ice

We tend to hibernate in the Winter. Isolating ourselves in our slankets. Crazy people do the same, they just do it [snuggle bunny] with newspapers and rat carcasses. They hibernate under bridges, in subways and at White Castle.

But people are solar powered, except for Jason Statham he’s battery operated. I once let him hold my fully charged cellphone, within seconds it was down to one bar.

Now that the Sun is out, there are just more people outside, so by default there are just more crazy people. Which brings me to our current news story.

A man dressed as a Ninja tried to rob a dry cleaners. *sigh* I understand that you are crazy. I understand that you would like some money. But why does everyone got to be special these days? The first day of college there was a guy dressed like a pirate. STOP IT!

A man attempted to rob a dry cleaning business while dressed as a ninja and waving a sword around, police say. The attempt was ineffectual. NO SHIT?

According to authorities, the man walked into a convenience store in Weymouth, Massachusetts on Monday wearing a mask and with a sheathed sword on his belt. When the clerk, concerned by his ninja-like appearance, phoned the police, the man removed the mask (something a good ninja would never do) and asked if she was calling about him.

She replied that she was, and he left the store, heading instead into the nearby dry cleaner’s.

There, he pointed at the register with his sword, and told the cashier to open it and give him the money. She replied that she couldn’t open the drawer; faced with this insurmountable challenge to his plans, even after having faced dragons, yetis and Jet Li, his escapade had come to a standstill, the ninja left the dry cleaner’s, defeated.

Police are still searching for the ninja.

Well I hope they aren’t looking for an actual Ninja. I mean, I can understand this retard’s logic. No one would ever suspect the Ninja. Not in a robbery, a Ninja would never behave with such dishonor. However at the same time I don’t think the sword is an effective weapon anymore.

I can’t remember the last time I saw a sword outside of the context of a museum or the sweaty-palmed-hotdog-fingered-Cheetoh-covered hands of a Naruto queer or on the wall in some stoner’s basement, “Dude, that’s so bad ass.”

Swords, spaceships made out of legos and action figures are how boys “decorate,” not how you scare someone. Using a sword to rob a store is like threatening someone with a rolled up Hang In There kitty poster.

The Ninja was obviously not a real Ninja because instead of threatening the cashier he would have used his invisibility shield and robbed a bank vault instead, but a Ninja would NEVER do that either, because a true Ninja would not have died without honor.

If I were this guy I would have sepukku’ed myself right there when she didn’t open the drawer.

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