Bald Britney

Kind of in response to Samuel Webster’s article on Britney, but more in trying to understand this phenomenon, I’ve decided to write about the Princess of Pop: Britney Spears.

The first time I heard Hit Me Baby, One More Time I was 9 years old. Britney looked like some prissy girl in a school uniform, I didn’t even really get the song, but I liked it or maybe I liked it because all of my friends liked it. But I didn’t want to like it, even at 9, I didn’t want to like it. There was something wrong about pop music and I didn’t really know why then, I didn’t really think about it then.

I just know that even at 9, when all the boy-bands were out and all the pop princesses had supersaturated the music scene, no matter how many times I would find myself singing the words to Lucky, “She’s So Lucky, She’s a star…” If anyone  had asked me if I liked pop music, I would have said “Fuck no.” Even though at 9, I didn’t really listen to music at all, except for Top 40 when it happened to be around me.

All I know is that after Britney hit it big, there was Christina and Mandy and Jessica… there were dozens upon dozens of cookie cutter pop chicks that all tried to dance and sing and be like Britney, most of them failed or only met success after formulating different pop personas.

Britney is the Madonna of my generation, except she is different. Madonna is a control freak. She is the great manipulator of music– of persona, identity, marketing– she is a real salesmen. She tells us what to like and we gleefully say “OK” without question or doubt. The proverbial “we” of course, as I have never bought or illegally downloaded a single Madonna song or album.

Britney is the opposite. Britney is a puppet, the product of a business model, the masses, she is the manipulated. She is, in many ways, a victim.

Music is created, then it is manufactured. It has always been this way.

It’s sad to think about it, when you really think about it. I mean, when everyone was crying “Leave Britney Alone!” I rolled my eyes and waited for the next time she flashed her pregnancy-ridden vag with glee. I wanted to see this train wreck. I want to see it.

People like to get defensive about her. Her fans are devoted and many, I think it will always be this way. I get defensive when they do, because:

“Fucking honestly. She does nothing! You’re so impressed with this video–this song– well you should be worshipping her goddamned handlers. She has no fucking say in any of this! She lipsyncs– oh is she known for her dancing? Well her backup dancers can do all the same shit and they can all do it better, you don’t worship them?! She isn’t talented.”

Maybe she is talented or rather was. If you watch these old videos of her as a kid singing on Star Search, she’s this little girl with this big voice. Now she sounds like a feminine robot. Processed more than a McDonald’s Chicken McNugget. Any talent she had has been perverted into something else.

There is nothing especially special about Britney except she had the right people around her and came around the scene at the right time, lots of shit has to align for you to be as famous as her.

It is fun to watch celebrities fail because we know they are supposed to be special, but we like to know that they’re not. That they’re fucked up like the rest of the fuggos or even more fucked up. When Madonna and her husband were getting divorced it was fun to hear how crazy she was, we all knew she was crazy, but we like to have confirmation.

My point is, when you are saying you don’t like Madonna’s music, you are saying you don’t like Madonna’s music. When you’re saying you don’t like Britney’s music… what are you saying? Britney has nothing to do with it, all she has to do is show up and be thin…

When people get defensive about Britney’s music they are protecting nothing more than the most-definitely fucked-up entertainment industry and really, really shitty parenting. More importantly you’re ensuring that Britney be a Slave 4 U 4ever. When you defend Britney you are defending a lot of fucked up shit.

But when we the uppity-opinionated-music-snobs say fuck all of you stupid mindless fans and fuck Britney we too are misdirecting our feelings. You don’t have to watch that MTV Documentary to know that Britney Spears isn’t happy. She has done nothing to earn her success other than do what she is told by her parents, and then her handlers and still her parents…

She was brainwashed from birth and when she kind of started to realize it she went ape shit, but now she’s back again. Fret not! Doing the only thing she can do, take orders and shake her toosh.

At the end of the day Britney Spears hasn’t earned anything, not our Love or Hate, so maybe that melodramatic, cunty, androgynous ladyboy was right, maybe we should all “leave Britney alone.”

And with that heart-breaking sentiment I will be seeing Britney Spears tomorrow, giving her more money and ensuring that the puppeteer’s hand will be further shoved into her vagina and she will be made to sing more sleazy-rockin-dance-tracks for my enjoyment and satisfaction.

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