Archive for November, 2008

So for my “Pharmocologically and Surgically Shaping Ourselves” class I had to read the book Rebuilt by Michael Chorost, not to be confused with Top American Designer Michael Kors. This guy Mr. Chorost, was partially deaf for most of his life then all of a sudden he goes completely deaf and gets a cochlear implant.

The only reason I bring this book up is because it is a memoir and this guy, Mr. Chorost is a prime-time-class-a-slurp-tastic-douche-nerd. (Also, I don’t really care about you as the reader, I can write about whatever the fuck I want!)

This guy has a cochlear implant (headphones for your brain!) but he goes out of his way to prove he is a cyborg, and I get it, he is…. technically a cyborg.

But just imagine this, 7 of 9, The Terminator, Super Cool Awesome Cochlear Dude…

Michael Chorost became a cyborg on October 1, 2001, the day his new ear was booted up. Born hard of hearing in 1964, he went completely deaf in his thirties. Rather than live in silence, he chose to have a computer surgically embedded in his skull to artificially restore his hearing.

This is the story of Chorost”s journey — from deafness to hearing, from human to cyborg — and how it transformed him. The melding of silicon and flesh has long been the stuff of science fiction. But as Chorost reveals in this witty, poignant, and illuminating memoir, fantasy is now giving way to reality.

I only highlight the last sentence because the memoir is none of those things. Seriously… you have a glorified, perhaps even really cool, hearing aid. You can’t shoot lasers out of your eye. SHUT UP! This is on the second page… this sentence:

Nothing works: the day is like a coin that always comes up tails.

That was the moment I decided I was done with the book.

It’s like being an astronaut in the movie Apollo 13 watching the oxygen tank’s
gauge inexorably sliding down to zero.

I go and stare at it, feeling like Snoopy in a world filled with signs saying NO DOGS ALLOWED.

It is like returning to the ancient days of 300-baud modems, when one could see
text appearing on the screen letter by letter.

To be sure, anyone would grieve for their lost ears and fear an uncertain future, but these feelings are like a jagged slash torn in the beige fabric of my life.

It would suck itself into place with startling soft firmness, an electromagnetic soul kiss to start the day, and cling there like a remora, odd and obscurely frightening to strangers.

These are just a FEW, a FEW, A FEW, JUST A FEW of the poetic similes from the first chapter.

If you have a good idea, an interesting life, a lovely story to tell and you aren’t a writer, please get a ghost writer because everything isn’t JUST LIKE everything else.

Also this guy had a Ph.D when he wrote this, C’MON!

Reading this book was like having my uterus pulled out by a wolverine with rabies as I relaxing lay in a jacuzzi tub, with warm bubbling water like tiny lilliputian waterfalls that tickle my asshole.

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Oh look, Fatty Patty has a new diary entry… interesting… today I woke up and there were 3 shit stains on the toilet seat >=/ maybe she will explain why!

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I get back to my dorm on Tuesday after a weekend of being home. I see an empty tub of cookie dough, half a bottle of smirnoff vodka (the big bottle) a box of eaten caramel chocolates and a plastic bag full of candy and potato chip wrappers. Fatty Patty has herself a time when I am gone, apparently.

Before continuing to read, please watch this b-movie trailer, so you can understand just exactly how I perceive, Fatty Patty.

Fatty Patty: I don’t know if I should tell you this…
Sassy: What? (Oh god yes, I don’t have anything to blog about, God yes!)
Fatty Patty: I ummm, I pulled like half of my eyebrow out…
Sassy: What? (God. Yes.)
Fatty Patty: I don’t know if I want to show you. *Pulls up the bangs of her hair*
Sassy: :O! oh my god… (Half of her eyebrow is gone)
Fatty Patty: You know like when you get the bad habit of doing something.
Sassy: …
Fatty Patty: I just got the habit of pulling my eyebrow hairs out, like 3 or 4 months ago
Sassy: Wait a minute… you mean with your fingers?
Fatty Patty: Yah.
Sassy: You’re crazy. (not in the funny haha since, you should be institutionalized.)
Fatty Patty: No, it’s like, I had this big crazy stray hair and I just kept pulling at it.
Sassy: … (crazy)
Fatty Patty: No, I know it sounds crazy but it’s actually not. It was just a stray hair, but then they just kept growing in curly, so I would keep pulling them out, but after a month or so I didn’t realize that I had pulled half my eyebrow out, see that’s not crazy.
Sassy: … riiiiiiiiight. (how have you not killed yourself yet by accident?)
Fatty Patty: I keep pulling my hair out. (on her head) I think I’m getting a bald spot. You know, I just keep pulling my hair out if it feels dead.
Sassy: … OK
Fatty Patty: I’m not crazy >=/.
Sassy: Yes you are.
Fatty Patty: *Sadface*
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Fatty Patty The Feminist Unicorn has a diary! Click it bitch!