Archive for September 13th, 2008
The way the world works is we all kind of exist next to each other and are dependant on one another for sustenance. This dependancy, I think, creates our drive to make “connections” with other people as it is most optimal to the survival of our species and our own self-preservation.
Whether or not we want to admit it, we are all sheeps following the heard. Whether you see yourself as a rebel, a follower or a leader, we can only be any of those things if we have other people to be NOT those things.
We know our place, by knowing other’s places. We define who we are by defining who we are not and we can only establish this by interacting with other people.
And after millions of years of nomadic tribes, to complex civilizations, we still haven’t perfected communication.
Talking to eachother, how simple. Most every human is born with the capacity for linguistics and moreover we just pick up language from people around us.
And yet… What I am getting at is, I cannot bullshit. I cannot small talk. I cannot maintain a fake interest in a superficial conversation about nothing. I cannot pull from what I know and have once experienced to create some simple comment that shows that i am interested.
This is why I suck at college.
There is really truly nothing going on at my school and there is nothing more satisfying and disheartening then looking into the eyes of the disappointed freshman as they come in all giddy and hopeful only to realize that this school is a social wasteland. No parties. No events. No clubs, even.
And so what we do here, is sit around and “talk.” I am a fantastic listener and halfway decent writer, but I am not a good conversationalist.
I used to be great at talking, I used to be sharp and extroverted. I don’t know what happened, but somewhere around sixteen that all kind of went away.
When I was sixteen I realized that no one really listens to each other. Everyone stares at each other’s mouths and waits for their turn to talk. I hate that. I hated that because I was really saying what was on my mind and I expected that people listen. It would irritate me having to repeat myself and that is all a bit self-serving and entitled…
But even now, it gets on my nerves when people ask me the same question on separate occasions. Either you simply don’t care or you’re not listening, so why should I bother talking? So I basically stopped.(I can be a bit of a drama princess)
But I really haven’t started, I almost can’t. That part of my brain has died away. I was complacent then with the friends that I had made, with where I was, so the need for making small talk wasn’t necessary.
Now that I am in this new place and kind of have to re-establish “my place,” I have forgotten how to do that. I have forgotten how to speak. And it doesn’t help that when I listen all I hear is “blah, blah, hipster, blah, blah, bitch, moan.”
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