So I bought this book. It’s called Final Exits: The Illustrated Encyclopedia of How We Die by Michael Largo. This guy, the author, Mr. Largo has been collecting statistical data about how Americans die for quite some time. He compiles, in alphabetical order, the various ways in which people have become deceased. Some are pretty simple, whereas others are a bit of a reach.

Example. A for Abortions. Largo goes onto discuss how from the Middle Ages up until the 19th century, while abortion was frowned upon, it was still the only form of contraception for women who “dreaded” getting pregnant. That women would have others step on their stomachs, throw themselves down flights of stairs, etc. That they would take remedies that were lethal to the baby and themselves, inadvertently killing the mother.

Another example is, Animal Hostage. Some crazy lady walks into a store with a cat. Holds a knife to the cat’s throat and says I’ll do it. Store clerk stalls until the police arrive. After the cops try to calm her down, she lunges at them with a knife and they are forced to shoot her dead.

The reason I bring this up is because I got to thinking about how crazy this author must be. This Michael Largo dude, who has been collecting death stories for funsies. Then I got to thinking how crazy I must be for buying it.

I don’t think it’s crazy to think about death. I think about death all the time and I have met people that say they don’t think about it and I think they are weird. Death is an odd thing because you were once alive and now you’re not. You don’t exist anymore, at least if you’re an atheist. So let’s pretend like we all are atheist and when you die, nothing happens. It’s kind of hard to imagine that. I mean, how can you imagine not being?

‘Cause like, once you’re dead, you can’t really fail. People want to do all the things they want to do before they die, but I mean, when you die you don’t really care that you haven’t done those things because you’re dead.

Being dead isn’t really an experience, because you’re fucking dead. How do people not think about this? Or maybe they’d just rather not.

I think about how I am going to die, probably drowning or a car accident. I don’t know, I am a drama princess.

In any case, I think about this guy, sitting in his “study.” Yeah he has a study, with those lamps that have the cylindrical green shades. He’s sitting in his study at his cherry wood desk in the middle of the night and he has all of these clippings from obituaries and news articles thrown about, he’s looking at each carefully with his monocle. An owl turns its head around as it rests upon a branch outside of Largo’s window.

Then every time he finds a new way to die he shakes his fists at the Heavens Above, “DAMN YOU GOD, DAAAAMN YOU TO HEEEEEEELLLLL.”

My point is, how paranoid this guy must be to fucking have to do this. Well, he doesn’t have to do this. But is he in his house, sitting on a chair in a completely empty room, Final Destination style. Or maybe he’s completely mentally healthy and adjusted.

By the way, the book is kind of cool, if you’re into it by the way. 900 thousand stars.

So, am I crazy, or do you all think about death?

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Posted: July 30th, 2008 under books, pop culture, reviews, writing.
Comments: 1