Omgomgomgomgomg.

First of all: Who is Denise Richards? Answer: No one. She is irrelevance personified. And this “essence,” of a human being is now on the E! Network. You may remember her from such films as Starship Wild Things and Undercover Brother.

Denise Richards stars in Denise Richards: I Swear to God I’m Complex and Infallible a reality show that is aimed to show the public sides to her we have never seen. Which wouldn’t be too hard because most people that exist have not seen her considering she is no one as I have stated above.

This is a review of the second episode, Denise V.S The Tabloids. I have not seen the first episode and had no intent to watch this show. Because seriously, why do I give a fuck? But I enjoy the ambient sound of the television humming as I whore my website to those with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Soon I became enticed with the awesome that is Denise “You Cunt” Richards.

The fantabulous episode kicks off with Denise, her sister, and her friend looking at a picture of Denise in a bathing suit on Perez Hilton. Perez says she looks like an 80s’ hooker, which isn’t true. She looks like a 90s’ stripper. And here begins the completely candid (staged) banter about how Denise is sooooooooooo
oooooooooooo misrepresented and that hookers are actually kind of “hot,” so it was really a compliment.

Who ever writes this reality TV show should note, real life does not happen this way:

[Three women sitting in front of a computer]

Denise: Hey look guys there’s a like cuntfuckshitwhoreskankbitchmotherfuck picture of me on Perez.

Sister: O lok. Dat iz so tipikal of duh prezz. Dunt b sad zizter.

Friend: It is okay. The governor had sex with sev-er-ral prostitutes and they were all feasibly attractive. What I mean is, Perez Hilton was merely complimenting your extremely tasteful physique. I have a degree at an accredited university, when I’m not building bridges of the literal and metaphoric kind in third world countries, I like to ride the coattails of V-List celebrities.

[scene]

Next scene Denise has a print out of the bad picture and is showing it to her dad who seems to not give any fucks at all. In fact I am pretty sure I saw him take the picture of his daughter in a bikini and a bottle of hand lotion off the kitchen table. Oh wait, wrong dad he isn’t Joe Simpson.

Denise: “Hi daddy, look there’s a pic of motherfuckingsucksshitassholecuntbitchdickwad,” here they discover she has a “cussin,” problem and has to donate a pair of shoes every time she “cusses.”

NOW! LET’S GET TO THE MOST AWESOME SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF DUMB BITCHES !!

Denise “Tourette’s” Richards is headstrong and goes to confront a journalist about spreading propaganda about her. This journalist is basically the epitome of bamf. When I saw this I expected that the journalist would puss out and Denise would leave looking all pristine and shit. Boy howdy was I in for an awesome surprise!

Denise basically says “Wah but my kids are involved. The journalist immediately says, “Don’t play the parent card.” Denise:0 Journalist: 1 Then the journalist asks why she even wants to do the show, Denise says because her mom wanted her (her mom who is dead) to do it and immediately begins crying. Journalist lady gives NO FUCKS. She is completely stoic and apathetic and Denise quickly stops crying and was clearly just trying to get a rise out of her.

Denise tells her that everything printed is a flat out lie and the Journalist lady tries to explain to her that everything printed was grounded in the truth and that Denise can’t be hatin’ cause the image that is seen is the one that she created herself. Journalist be havin’ mad points!

Denise refuses to budge and is all “BITCH BEDDUH DON’T I’M TALKIN,” the Journalist Lady gets a call on the phone, Denise is all, “FUCK THIS SHIT I’M DONE!” walks away then comes back and calls the lady a “fucking cunt,” that needs to get “her shit straight.” There is no point in making jokes because it is fucking awesome!

You can watch the clip of the confrontation here and you can watch the full episode here

For now here’s a clip of the argument:



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Posted: June 2nd, 2008 under pop culture, reality tv, reviews.
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