Oh my stars. First of all, whether or not you give any shits about the Hohanz, you know a bunch of shit about them. It’s inescapable. If you don’t know anything at all, you know that Lindsay Hohan is drug abusin’, talentless, unpoetic tragedy.

But guess what guys?! She has a sister! A leetle one, that “wants to be just like Lindsay.” Oh em gee. Ali Hohan is a mere 14 years old, so from this tidbit of info you might think “oh that’s really sad she’s too young to know or understand her sister is dumb slut :(”

NOPE! She TOTES knows and that’s why it’s awesome. Bitch is 14 and looks 37. She fucking sounds like it too. Must be all the cigarettes and semen, that’s how the Hohans keep their figures, of course. I’m not entirely convinced that Ali Hohan isn’t actually Dina’s older sister posing as her daughter so they can ride on Lindsay’s coattails. I mean honestly, if you rub enough twinkies and jizz on your face you’re basically guaranteed eternal youth. Just look at Joan Rivers.

They constantly show Ali piling on tons of makeup because apparently I was wrong, she isn’t Lindsay’s aunt, she is her uncle. And we all know there is no point in being a tranny if you’re not going to be sassy. Ali isn’t intelligent enough to be clever or witty. She certainly isn’t smart enough to realize her mother is exploiting her and will probably be cashing all the reality tv trainwreck checks when her album bombs. But, don’t worry Ali, we’ll get you a new iPod and all the semen smoothies you can eat!

One of the best parts is where Dina Hohan, Long Island’s Mother of the Year, (but of course the only requirement to win any parent of the year award in Long Island is to have the child with the least rehab stays and hair product) well Dina is looking through tabloids even though “they don’t matter,” and she finds Hohan’s Sex Tape:

Oh wait, that’s not her sex tape, that’s a scene from the box office (s)hit: I Know Who Killed Me, also known in France as Double Down on Les Firecrotch.

So Dina’s looking at screen caps of her daughter blow jaying someone and is all “THAT DOESN’T EVEN LOOK LIKE HER THAT COULD BE ANYONE!” Then Ali, comes over and the first thing she says is, “Is that Lindsay?” ha! I guess you can tell who it is.

Ali wants to make a “hiphop,” album but her label is trying to explain to her that no one would find it believable that she is a “hip hop artist.” Dina likes to call her daughter (brother) an artist, even though Ali doesn’t write the song lyrics, compose the songs and can’t sing. Ali has this young producer friends, a.k.a. a white guy with a hoodie that owns the music software program, Garage Band.

Ali, after saying she’s only known Jeremy for three months, later goes onto say “I feel like I’ve known him long enough to trust him.” Uncle Ali is so good at pretending to be a naive fourteen year old. Next scene they find an article where Jeremy states he is dating Lindsay even though “he doesn’t even like know her.” Ali is clearly mad because she wants to fuck Jeremy, but Jeremy just isn’t into dudes, or at least not into bottoming.

Then Ali confronts him, telling him to explain himself, but doesn’t actually ever let him talk. TO BE CONTINUED… This is totally realistic and doesn’t feel staged at all.

This show is 10 stars, Nick and Aaron Carter are gonna have to work a lot harder!

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