Homeless people: friend or foe?! Riding the subway a lot one can expect to encounter lots and lots of homeless people and pan handlers. I always think it’s kind of interesting that there is such a variety of crazy, down-and-out folks.

For instance whenever I ride any of the “green” trains there is always this HUGE, obese homeless guy with an afro and literally half a t-shirt, revealing his delicious, fleshy jelly-rolls to the on-lookers as he walks by yelling, “JIBBAH JABBAH RABBAH DABBAH,” or whatever language these hobosapiens speak. I always wonder if he is truly homeless because he is so large and must have sustenance from somewhere. But then when he walks by my seat a strange smell straddles me nostrils and there’s never any Indian people around, so I assume it’s coming from him.

As of late, I’ve been seeing lots of homeless people with signs. I don’t mean cardboard boxes with words written in dog poo either. I mean like actual laminated, “I AM HOMELESS MY NAME IS EBENEZER JONES I WANT MONEY AAAARRRGH” signs. This makes me not want to give you money, I don’t even know where I’d go to get something laminated. I’d have to google that shit, do these hobos have iPhones? Dubayoo. Tee. Eff.

As I’ve mentioned before the crazies love the sass. I tend to look completely lost and touristy because most of the time I am completely lost and I think the crazies see this and zoom in on it. I was out yesterday with my friend in Union Square and some guy, in the middle of the street walks up to us “Hi YOU SEXY LADIES LOOK AT YOU LADIES.” The peculiar thing was that he stopped, opened his arms really wide, and looked at us, expecting to give us a hug. We both stopped ’cause we figured one of us had to no this dude. We did not.

Not long after that, we were sitting in the park, some chick comes up to us trying to sell candy to send some retarded kids to California or something. Then another lady with one of the signs I was talking about, walks up to us, stands in front of us, tapping the sign. My friend offers her an orange, a perfectly good one I might add, the lady says “Yes.” My friend hands her the orange, the lady walks away with out taking it. Cunt.

See, I can understand rapin’ hobos, stabbin’ hobos, crazy hobos, druggie hobos, but ungrateful hobos, nigga please.

One thing I do admire about poor people or homeless people in general, they can smell money, almost as good as Jews, even. I remember taking out a dollar bill from my pocket and like 80 hundred people “U GOTS N E CHANGE MISS.” “SCUZE ME MISS CAN I HAVE A DOLLAH?!” It was like fucking Dawn of the Dead or the Holocaust. Same difference.

In NYC at least there are very specific hobos to certain lines. Blind chick (I don’t buy her blindness for one second) on the orange trains, Jibbah Jabbah on the orange trains, etc. I always wonder what goes on “behind the scenes,” do these hobos fight for train turf? Are there hobo gangs? Can hobos understand other hobos, the way dogs understand other dogs?

If only someone with a syndicated tv show, a sense of entitlement, arrogance, and lots and lots of money would show us what it’s truly like…

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Posted: May 20th, 2008 under funny, new york city, old people.
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