I was bored and so I decided to look up some old clips of Captain Planet on youtube because I clearly have an active social life. Well anyways one of the first things that comes up when you search “captain planet,” is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

This is by far one of the most racist, most offensive things I’ve ever seen. IT’S FUCKIN’ AWESOOOOOME!!

First we see dark (NO PUN!) figures amidst a shoot out in the night. Flashes of Martin Luther King, Malcom X, J.F.K. and some other black dude that I don’t know who he is, perhaps Flavor Flav or perhaps *God Himself: The Rev. Al Sharpton. Then the dark figures are revealed, they are, get ready, UNSAVORY YOUNG MEN OF THE URBAN PERSUASION! WhaaaaAAAAaaaaT?!? Niggas in a shoot out? Clutch my pearls, I do declare this a-fucking-awesome.

*Disclaimer: Nigger Gods are not to be confused with REAL Gods.

Enter, young N-word, Alfonso Ribeiro who protests, “Someone help–someone help me, DAWG! If you sign this petition we can bring Silverspoons back on the air, dawg!” I don’t even have to make jokes, this is ridiculous enough. When black-kid-with-a-hat asks:

“Yo, dawg, why these new niggas gotta be all up in my turf, dawg, yo?”

Light-skin-black-guy or Cuba Gooding Jr. reponds:
“We gotta re-edu-muh-cate the boopity boo be bop a doo dop a skittle skat Mr. Patty-wack, and if you give that nigga a bone a bee bop, he fo sho’ gonna scooby doo dop a wop, naw.”

Then Bill “I Luv Me Some Pound Cake” Cosby, of Fat Albert fame, comes to save the day in his Delorean. But The Pound Cake Lover ain’t gonna save him for free, so Ronnie quickly dances for the massa and before Mr. Cosby can say “Knucklehead,” he is shot and killed.

Next scene is with the planeteers, blah blah etc., boring. Then all of a sudden Flo Rida lunges at DMX, screaming “I WANT CHO BOOTZ WIT DA FURR,” and as he is about to punch him, we get a shot of his knuckles, and on them is written:
R E A D. LOLLERSKATEZ!!!!!!XD Captain Planet is so like, ironic, lol.

Next scene, Jessica Alba is trying to convince Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alfonso is Straight-G.

Cuba Gooding Jr.: “Don’t be hangin with that sped a skoo dop, yo, he be a retard a doodaddle, yuh here.”

Jessica Alba: “Juss cuz he retawdid dun meen he be stuped, meng.”

Cuba Gooding Jr.:” Don’t be dissin’ me, ho.” *shanks with box cutter* “That’ll teach a ho to bee bop all up in my skoo daddle.”

This is where the video ends and I can’t find the rest of the episode. I guess we’ll never know what happens to Alfonso…maybe he’ll become the sidekick of a softcore, whitewashed rapper from Philadelphia?…Nah, he’ll prolly end up selling crystal meth to Cuba Gooding Jr. in the East Compton Men’s Bathhouse: Niggaz Dat Luv Niggaz.

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Posted: May 18th, 2008 under funny, racism, reviews.
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