School is over kids. You know what that means? No. Well of course you don’t, you’re a buhgina face.

My first year of college is over, officially, today. Wrap that shit up in bacon and fry it! Cause I’m done cookin’! I don’t know what that means, but it feels appropriate. Since the year is over, I’d like to take a look at it in retrospect. Everything I’ve learned, everyone I’ve hated and MUCH MUCH MORE, WE’VE GOT LOADS OF SHIT TO DISCUSS (complain about)!!!!!

Lesson One: People from L.A. are Stupid.

“L.A. gurlz we gotta like stick together oh muh god.” This phrase will haunt me in my sleep and send a cold shutter down my spine every time the same dumb bitches, with the same dumb bitch over-dyed black hair and the same dumb bitch too-much-eye-liner and the same dumb bitch scarves, walk by me saying the same dumb bitch phrases, “Like oh my god that’s so boss. I like love Ryan Gosling he’s like so not a fag…”

Lesson Two: People Actually Believe their Own Bullshit

I think I’ve mentioned the hyper liberalism at my school many a time. But two weeks ago when we were having dinner with the president of the college (she invites students over in small groups and we basically discuss everything we hate about the school and she pretends to give a shit) some silly cunt, you know, a white girl with dreadlocks that doesn’t wear shoes, we’ve all met ‘em. She insisted that we have “white people studies” in order to balance out the fact that we have so many “ethnic studies.”

People who try to equalize everything to a ridiculous degree piss me off. Of course, when you are doing any ethnic study you are inadvertently studying “white people” because they have played such an intrinsic role in “ethnic” history, duh. And the president kept saying this to her but she could not comprehend anything outside of the shell of turd-like blond strands of doo doo hair that enraptured her skull.

Dumb-bitch:“We should have white people studiez cus we got too many brown people studiez.”

College President:“Ummm, I don’t think that makes any sense, you see–”

Dumb-bitch:“–but that’s unfair becuz brown people are clearly being favoritisized. FUCK THE SYSTEM ! FUCK MY RAPE HOLE ! I CAN SAY DAT CUZ I’M A FEMINIST”

College President:“Nigga pleez.”

Lesson Three: No Matter How Many Times They Tell You They’re Straight, They Are Absolutely Not

Straight Guy:“I’m like the only hetero guy on campus. lol.”

Me:“orly?”

Straight Guy:“Yeah, wanna watch AbFab?”

Me:“Hmm?”

Straight Guy:“We can like so watch AbFab and drink dee-lih-shee-ous hot chah-co-lot. Wan some, gurl?”

Me:“Pardon?”

Straight Guy:“Heeeey sssstop it, you’re just funnin’ wiff me gurl, I’m gonna git chu back. But seriously, let’s watch AbFab! Hollaback gurl, cuz I need to borrow those jeanz.”

Lesson Four: Black People Travel in Packs

Since the first day of school alllllll the black people gravitated toward each other without ever having met before. I’ve mentioned this before, but lately there has been a very vocal discussion about how their group “Common Ground” A.K.A. $@ngry B!@X$” which was created to promote tolerance amongst all ethnicities. Well, they’ve been accused of “reverse-racism.” CUZ ITS TROO, NIGGAZ BE HATIN FURREALZ. Of course this vocal discussion took place anonymously on the school message boards because the kids in my school are too pussy to use the N word, even when it’s appropriate.

Lesson Five: Hate is Good

Never have I ever been surrounded by more people that I outright despise. I go to an art school and I’ve met the least creative people here than any other time or place in my whole life. I’ve never met more people that promoted tolerance but were extremely prejudiced. I’ve never been in a creative writing class where students actually praised each other for copying off of other writer’s ideas. I’ve never met so many angry, menstruating dykes that wanted to make me feel inadequate about not being a feminist. I’ve never met more sensitive, whiny, hippies that would defend our right to DISSENT but piss on themselves whenever anyone had the “audacity” to challenge their own opinions. I’ve never met anyone as fat and sad as Patty.

I’ve never felt better about myself.

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Posted: May 16th, 2008 under college, fat, feminism, friendship, generation x, liberal guilt, pop culture, racism, rant, roommates, unicorns.
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